HA LONG BAY

How do you describe Ha Long Bay? It is simply a wonder to behold. I don’t know why limestone formations fascinate me as I do, I just know I love them. This place is almost too beautiful for words. However, Ha Long Bay has the potential to be a tragedy in the making. It’s beauty has made it a very popular destination and parts of the bay are starting to become polluted. If you ever have the chance, you should see Ha Long Bay, and you should pay extra if it will get you to the parts that few people go to, as the more untouched parts seem more beautiful.

Angkor Wat

Angkor Wat and the surrounding temples may well be the most impressive and best preserved historical man-made buildings we have. Built in the Khmer age, Cambodians justifiably divide the countries history into the time before, during, and after the empire.

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This is one time when I wish I had sprung for an air view of the sites, as it’s really hard to convey the scale of these things from ground level photos. I visited three major sections. Angkor Thom, Ta Prohm, and Angkor Wat. There are scores of these sites in varying states of preservation but these three are the best known. Biggest in area is the Angkor Thom site, with the Ultra Impressive Bayon temple at its heart.

That’s not your imagination, those are huge stone faces. Two-hundred sixteen or so of them, supposedly of the Lokesvara or possibly of King Jayavarman VII, builder of Angkor Thom, depending on who you read.

While Angkor Thom is remarkable for its preservation, Ta Prohm is notable for how decay as integrated itself into the temple. It’s such a cool thing to see you understand why they chose it for a set piece for that awful Tomb Raider movie.

While we’re here, this carving is 1000 years old, give or take a century. Does it look like a dinosaur to you? Cause it looks like a dinosaur to me. What is a dinosaur doing on a thousand year old carving? I chalk it up to the illuminati.

Lastly, the biggest building is Angkor Wat. It is all that you might have heard it to be. Everyone should see this place once in their life.

CHIANG MAI

How do I tell the story of Chiang Mai? Do I skip to the Dragon named Mom?

No, that’s too far ahead. We must go back. Past the wax monks and tigers, the golden Pagodas, the remains of the Buddha, and the ancient city gates. We must start our story of Chiang Mai in the Elephant Sanctuary.

ELEPHANT NATURE PARK

I’m not an environmentalist. I’m not an animal rights activist. I really don’t care what KFC does to its Chickens as long as it gets those 7 herbs and spices right. So, I didn’t know if I would like my trip to the elephant nature park. They are, needless to say, very big on animals, and I wasn’t eager to listen to a lot of hippie speak on how animals are people too. However, Elephants are totally cool and I really wanted to get to see them up close, so that possibility was too good to pass up.

I was absolutely blown away by my visit to the park. While yes, they are huge animal lovers, the purpose of the park is to let you interact and fall in love with these creatures, and then hope you will go spread the word to not mistreat them.

Right out of the gate, you get to go feed the elephants and start bonding with them.

It’s hard not to fall immediately in love with these creatures. They are so much different in person than you imagine them. Far from lumbering giants, they graceful and almost elegant in the way they move. The ground does not rumble when they walk, in fact they are actually really good at sneaking up on you. They can run at speeds of 25 miles an hour, and that trunk can flick you aside pretty fast. That truck can also shovel dramatic numbers of watermelons into an elephants mouth.

The guide took us all over the park and taught us the elephants names and had us call to the elephants by name as he told us their stories. While some of these elephants have suffered traumatic injuries, at least 2 were shipped over from Burma after stepping on land mines, most were systematically abused and mistreated for long periods of time in logging or in street performing. Take my friend Jokia .

Jokia was mistreated and abused for many many years. If her eye looks a little strange to you, there’s a reason for it, she’s blind. She was blinded in both of her eyes by some very cruel owners. Again, I’m not an animal rights activist or anything, but you have to be an especially bad kind of evil to intentionally blind an animal.

When Jokia arrived at the park many years ago, the story goes, they didn’t know how she would react to the herd, or how the herd would react to her. They were very worried that an older, blind elephant might not fit in, and that the herd might reject her. When she arrived, another of the older elephants, Mae Perm noticed her, and went over to her. They quickly became inseparable, and now, even years later, Mae Perm leads Jokia around the park, acting as Jokia’s eyes, you will not see one of them without the other following very quickly behind.

We found this out as we were meeting Jokia and Mae Perm appeared silently out of nowhere, like some sort of elephant ninja, to make sure we did not hurt her friend. Good times!

The program at the park was extremely well run. Not a lot of structure, just “hey, look there are elephants, lets go look at them. Now let’s go look at other elephants!” It’s a great time and you really come to love these animals.

P.S. That little baby elephant, I cannot emphasize this strongly enough, is a total A-hole. But in a lovable baby elephant kind of way.

Highlight of the elephant afternoon, is that you get to take the elephants down to the river and wash them. I hate washing my car, but a two ton mammal? Pass the soap.

brad washes stampy

I should probably add that these guys promptly exit the river, run over to the nearest pile of dirt, and proceed to cover themselves in it. Oh well.

Elephant Nature Park is an amazing experience, a definite top ten on this trip. I highly recommend it to anyone who happens to pass through the Chiang Mai area.

TIGERS

Meeting the Elephants is such an absolute high, how do you follow that up? You meet freaking Tigers, that’s how.

A quick word on the ethics of Tiger Kingdom. I looked into it, and the animals are not drugged. And, having been in the cage with many of these tigers, I can tell you they did not act drugged, especially the one tiger who was walking around kind of fast and freaking me out. Chill out Tiger!

The main criticisms I found while I was researching this place amounted to “It’s wrong to keep animals in cages and outside of their natural environment.” That’s fine, but these tigers also happened to be SUPER endangered, so keeping them around, even if it is in cages, until we can boost numbers in the wild seems like a good idea. Also, it’s just really cool to be able to take pictures with tigers.

No lie, it is taking all of my willpower to not make that my Facebook Profile pic. There’s a strong chance I make that my Tinder Profile pic and get all the dates. But it’s not just cool pictures, you get the opportunity to see tigers of various ages (you don’t get to be in the cage with a tiger over a certain age. Fun fact: mauling you Siegfried and Roy style is the “get off my lawn” of the tiger world) and interact with these amazing animals. Also, baby tigers are really cool.

I know what you’re thinking. Brad, You have all of these pictures of tigers, but do you have a picture of you spooning with a tiger?

Okay, fine, but do you have a picture of you and the tiger looking seductively into the camera?

So in conclusion, Tigers are awesome, don’t make them do magic acts in Vegas.

TEMPLES AND HISTORY AND THINGS THAT ARE NOT ELEPHANTS AND TIGERS

Chiang Mai has a long and fascinating history. It is remarkable how much of the old city wall still stands after all these years, and how some of the old temples dating back hundreds of years still stand.

Take this dope place-

Wat Chedi Luang, dates back to the 14th century. It once housed the Emerald Buddha that has since been moved to Bangkok and which I labelled as “boring.” My guide told me I should probably not call the Emerald Buddha boring, since hundreds of millions of people consider it super sacred. Time to brush up on sensitivity training. Also cool, the wax monks.

So, I did not know that these guys were wax, and they freaked me out when I first saw them. Well played, thailand.

Also worth seeing, Wat Suan Dok, a cool old temple that has a history I remember being very fascinating, but did not write down and am sure is readily available on wikipedia.

The coolest of the temples is Wat Prathat Doi Suthep. The temple is set high above the city on a mountain and overlooks the entire Chiang Mai Valley, or at least it would if the valley weren’t, you know, covered in smog. The temple is a series of structures, and really quite something to see. If you want to see it, you get to climb up these perilous and certainly not up to code steps:

But, if you do, you are in for a treat.

The temple is really quite spectacular. You can also get blessed by the Buddhist monk who wraps a nice piece of string around your wrist so that the demons at the gate know not to drag your soul down to hell, or something like that. I wasn’t entirely clear. Also, on the way out I saw this cool thing which no one explained to me.

I can only assume someone has some unresolved feelings towards their mother. Other than crazy dragon mom statues, Chiang Mai is one of my favorite places I’ve ever been. It feels like a city that you have to come back to again and again and each time something new is discovered. What a wonderful place!

KRABI

I decided that I wanted to pass my birthday on beach in Thailand. No pressing adventures, no historical value, no adrenaline themed activities. Just me, lying on a beach.

Here’s the thing. That’s great for, like, 15 minutes, but then you kind of need something to do. Thankfully, Krabi is a wonderful place to to do things.

Kayaking…

Climbing…

harassing local starfish….

checking out caves…

and just generally hanging on many of the dope beaches in the Krabi area.

There’s no shortage of amazing things to do backed by amazing scenery. Also, a Monkey lived on top of my hotel.

So in conclusion. Krabi: Nice beaches and Monkeys.

BANGKOK

I’m so very far behind on writing about Thailand that I almost gave up entirely. I’ve started to write about Bangkok at least 5 times now and deleted everything and started all over. Bangkok, you are a beautiful, mad, contradiction. I can’t decide if I love you. I can’t begin to figure you out. Bangkok, you confuse and excite me all at once, and I do not know why.

Bangkok, my unknowable mistress, is city that holds to its past while moving bravely into the future. Moving around town involved modern mass transit, a fleet of dodgy taxis, and these unholy things:

Behold, my whip! I don’t know what the water taxi equivalent of 20 inch rims are, but I will find it. Sure, the canals are littered with trash, and there is no amount of money you could pay me to swim in that murky water, but they have a romance and beauty to them.

Check that skyline!

Dear Reader, let me ask you, do you like temples?

And shrines?

How about massive golden statues of the Buddha?

There are amazing things to see around every corner. Even in the roundabouts!

elephant roundabout

Do your roundabouts have dope elephant sculptures? They do not? Your roundabouts are FAIL.

I can’t get over these amazing temples. It’s been a couple weeks and I still feel it. The sense of Awe the firs time you walk into Wat Pho is one of those defining life moments. It’s like reading Hamlet for the first time, or the first time you listened to Dark Side of the Moon. It’s a moment that causes you to redefine what you thought humans were possible of creating. Your definition of beautiful is suddenly challenged and expanded in a new and exciting way.

Some things in life cannot be adequately captured with pictures. Wat Pho is one of those things. You have to see this place in person, bathed in light, forced to contemplate the beauty in front of you.

I cannot get over Wat Pho. It’s the one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. Words are inadequate to explain. Also, it has a massive reclining Buddha.

Fun tip. If you’ve just had the transcendent and mind blowing experience of Wat Pho, don’t follow it up with a visit to the Grand Palace. That’s like listening to The White Album and then following it up with a Justin Beiber record. It makes your soul die a little and your hatred of humanity grow.

A fair number of travelers rate the Grand Palace as,well.. kind of a rip-off. You can add me to that number. It’s expensive, it’s crowded, and there are armed guards everywhere and they are fresh out of craps to give about your tourist nonsense. Sure, the palace is beautiful, but it’s more beautiful from a distance, enjoying some fancy meal the 500 baht admission price could have bought you. Also, I’ll just say it. The jade Buddha is lame. And, the religious fanatics do not want you taking pictures of it. I’m all for religious tolerance, but I almost feel like they are being vaguely disingenuous. The Buddha, they are quick to tell you, is a religious emblem and is not for you to be photographing, or tattooing, or exploiting for your entertainment. That’s fine, and I could absolutely understand that. But, apparently exploiting the Buddha for financial gain and charging high admission fees is totally fine and in keeping with the teaching of a man who preached self denial. Whatever.

A quick word on the Jade Buddha.

On this trip, I have seen every imaginable kind of Buddha. Reclining, standing, sitting, dead, enlightened, farting, you name it, If you can think of it, there is a Buddha that does it. The Jade Buddha is small and green. Once you see him, you cannot help but be underwhelmed. It doesn’t help that the armed guards really want you to move along and not linger. Admire the Buddha quickly and get out seems to be the mantra. I’m ninety-nine percent certain that the guards all go through a public relations course taught by Dick Cheney.

No trip to Bangkok would be complete without a visit to this dump:

Khao San road. This used to be the hub for backpackers and ex-pats in Thailand. Gap year kids used to come here, indulge every hedonistic impulse, and then go home and become investment bankers when their trust funds ran out.

Nowadays, it’s much less important on the travel scene, though there are still all manner of kids running around this street, binging on cheap liquor and pretending they are Bukowski. Bangkok has become such a hub for business and opportunity that foreigners are pretty much everywhere. I don’t think I rode a single subway car where I was the only American. Most of the bed bug ridden hostels of Khao San are skipped by people looking to do anything other than get drunk on bad booze and high on bad weed. Although if that is your thing there is still plenty of it around, apparently. I will point out that some of the most elaborately made bongs I’ve ever scene are sold on this road, so, they’ve got that going for them.

Mostly, Bangkok is a hub of business and shopping. Do you like your shopping mall to have A Lamborghini dealership as well as a Prada store? Of course you do? What human doesn’t?

I won’t lie, that cake/sweets store is like the size of an airplane hangar and it is amazing. Everything is big and impressive, including the watch stores that are on the floor above the cake shop (and the attendant at the Tudor store was very nice to nod indulgently as I wondered whether Tudor would ever put their new in-house movement in the Black Bay. YOU PUT IT IN THE PELAGOS, TUDOR, WHY WON’T YOU PUT IT IN THE BLACK BAY!?!?! IT’S JUST BASIC!).

However, as gigantic shopping centers show off how Bangkok embraces the future, I found myself drawn to places like this:

Lumphini Park. An oasis of green in a sea of urban diarrhea. I love this place. It’s serene, it has free workout equipment, and it has a sculpture tribute to John Woo movies:

This park feels like this tiny pushback from the urban sprawl. A fortress of calm against the raging storm of modernity. Here’s the entrance, beautiful and calm.

And here is what it looks like if you stand at that same spot and turn around 180 degrees.

Sky scrapers, mass transit, shopping centers. Yuck. I think what makes this spot stand out for me so much is that it feels like a rejection of all that. Keep that stuff outside, in here, we insist on peace.

I love every inch of this park. It’s just yet another surprise within a city that continually defies expectations. Thank you, Bangkok, I cannot wait to come back one day and see what has become of you.

BONUS SECTION, IN WHICH I AM SUPER MORMON-NERDY

This will be uninteresting to all but the mormonist of mormons, but as a Temple was announced shortly before I got to Thailand, I thought I would go and see the site. This proved slightly difficult, as it turns out, they announced the Temple, but haven’t actually announced the site where they are going to build the temple. However, Mormons are good at nothing if they are not good at spreading gossip, and I heard from a reliable source called the Internet that the rumored site of the Temple is the current church headquarters on street that actually isn’t an english name. The Church website lists the site as near a metro station and hilariously implies that the place is easy to find. It’s really not. After swearing loudly and publicly (while looking for a temple site, is that bad karma?) I actually did locate the building. Rumor has it that the current facilities would be renovated/rebuilt to house a multi use structure wherein part of the building would be a temple, and part would be meetinghouse/office space, similar to how the Church has allocated some properties in other parts of the world where real estate is not easy to come buy.

So, very likely, this spot will one day house the first Temple in Thailand (Mormon temple, there are eleventy trillion other kinds of temples). Look forward to coming back here one day and seeing a temple. If the church decides to build it elsewhere, well, I’m going to feel really stupid for tracking this place down. Cheers!

SYDNEY

I knew in planning this trip there would be some places I allotted too much time for, and some places that I would regret not staying longer. Mark Sydney down in the latter column. I arrived in Sydney well after dark and fumbled my way to the hotel. Fun fact that you learn wandering around Sydney in the dark late at night, The Central Station Hotel is actually kind of a ways away from Central Station. Taking advantage of the time gap between New Zealand and Australia, I decided to wake up early and watch the sun rise on Sydney Harbor. The first glimpse I actually got of Sydney in the Sunlight was at Mrs MacQuarie’s Chair, looking right at the Opera House and the Bridge.

This is not a bad way to start the day.

Incidentally, this waterfront area and the accompanying gardens are so insanely beautiful, they got to form the bulk of my 14 miler that weekend. Does your weekend run take you through the set of Aida? No? You’re missing out.

Speaking of the gardens, holy sweet merciful crap on a unicorn. Winning the prize for place I could just kind of hang out in for hours (and did) is the Sydney Botanical Garden. I may have hopped the gate early. Or I may not have. I admit nothing. I also warn that I have no photography experience and these pictures are bad:

There had to have been 80 trillion flowers in that place. I can’t even describe it. I almost facetimed my sister-in-law Susan to have her explain what all these things are.

So much to do in Sydney. There is of course, the totally dope opera house (I got to see the ballet rehearse and listen to the symphony orchestra practice both of which were magical).

Sydney is just so alive. I completely forgive it for not being able to explain whether Australia is an Island or a Continent (you can’t have it both ways, Aussies! You make choices just like everybody else). There hippie markets in the Rocks, Absolutely bizarre theater productions featuring Agent Smith from the Matrix/V for Vendetta/Elrond, and hey, there’s this place:

Manly Beach, where you can go and realize that there are way too many people, and Australia has very strict gun laws.

There is also Bondi Beach, which I id not have time to go see, and thus forfeiting all of my Point Break Fan status. However, the locals maintain that Bondi is overrated “rubbish” and much like Aerosmith, hasn’t been good since the late 80s. I definitely wish I’d had a few extra days just to pay a visit and make sure. It almost sounds like my kind of dive.

Sydney, you’ve absolutely stolen my heart. Though it takes a thousand years, I am keen to come back and see you again.

Queenstown

Queenstown is the adventure capital of the world and they are proud of it. The birthplace of Bungee Jumping, situated on the beautiful lake Wakatipu, there are any number of adrenaline based activities that beckon to the young. The adventurous. The foolish.

And then there’s me.

Terrified of heights, introverted to fault. My idea of the perfect night is falling asleep reading the news while watching a movie. So what does a guy like me do in the adventure capital of the world?

“You have to bungee jump, this is the birthplace of bungee jumping, and you’re a bloody coward if you don’t.”

I am a bloody coward, but I’m also don’t want to disappoint the enthusiastic girl at the information site.

They offer three “bungee experiences”. I opted for the tallest one. Go big or go home.

The Nevis Bungee jump is a 134 jump off a platform just over a “river”. I showed up at the appointed time, boarded the bus and help my breath. We finally came to a stop next to a platform, and I look over at the platform, and it is very high. It occurs to me, that I have probably made a mistake. Then I hear someone on the bus say “that’s not our jump. Ours is another 30 minutes away and it’s three times taller.

Oh no.

Oh no no no no no no no no no no no.

I really should have paid more attention to the metric system in school. 134 meters turns out to be very bloody tall.

Half an hour later. We arrive at our appointed destination.

“Remember,” says our guide, “There are no refunds, and if you don’t jump, we will post it on facebook and we will make fun of you.”

The jump happens from the middle of a platform, and to get there, you take a cable car across. The cable car has a glass bottom, and if you are dumb enough to look down you will notice that the “river” that runs below you is really more of a small stream. It will not cushion your landing. At best, it will gently wash away your blood from your freshly jigsawed and mangled corpse.

the Bung 2

As we travel in the cable car to the jump platform, I resolve to try and be the first to jump. I figure if I go first and get it over with there is less chance I will think about it and lose my resolve. Once we reach the platform they tell us that we will be jumping Heaviest to lightest. No exceptions. In a group that is exactly 50/50 male to female ratio I am the second lightest, and get to be the next to last jumper. Yay.

the Bung 3

Right before your jump, they put you in this chair.

It basically looks, and feels like the tooth extraction chair from Marathon Man.

Once you’re suited up they march you over to the ledge.

the Bung 5 falling gracefully

“Remember, big jump forward.”

And there it is. Right before you. You know the science, but still, every piece of you tells you that gravity is inescapable and she will have you. You will not defy her. There is nothing to do but take that leap.

It is a rush. I won’t lie. That brief split second where your belief meets reality. Everything works like they told you it would, the ground comes rushing at you at hundreds of miles an hour. Time and space slow. It is beautiful.

What do you do to follow that up? Jet boating? Paragliding? How about just good old fashioned canyoning.

Canyoning is what you get when you take people with ADD and let them loose in nature. Abseiling water sliding, zip lining. If it can be done in a canyon, it will. What better way to spend an already freezing day than wading in glacier melt water?

Fun times. Freezing times.

Finally, my favorite thing to do wherever I go, is find someplace beautiful, and run. Running is the best was to see a place. You get lost and see the tiny corners you never intended. Queenstown has a bloody brilliant track that runs right along the lake. This lake:

And through this botanical garden.

Queens5 rev

So, for all the adrenaline, and the climbs and the runs, my very favorite part of Queenstown is still the quiet moment, standing on the shore of the lake, and staring at that horizon, and sensing in that moment, perfection.

Queens2 rev

Milford Sound

So, one of the top things on my to do list for New Zealand was Milford Sound. Milford is one of the very few locations on earth that has fjords. What are fjords? Who cares, the word is immensely fun to say. I defy you to name a conversation that is not instantly improved with the addition of the word Fjord.

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Rotorua

Rotorua Stinks.

No seriously,
I mean that literally. Rotorua is built on a Geothermal area that causes natural hot springs, boiling mud pools and really cool steam clouds all over the place. It is insanely beautiful, the only catch is that is smells like the vomit of Satan’s dog after a 24 bender of rancid blue cheese.

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Waitomo

Back when I was planning this trip, whenever I looked at New Zealand one on the North Island kept coming up again and again:

Waitomo.

You have to go to Waitomo and see the glow worms. You’ve never seen anything like it.

The town of Waitomo, itself, is well, not much of a town. There is a visitor center, a general store with exactly one aisle of canned food and some candy, a few greasy spoon diners, and then some backpacker places and motels. I opted to stay in the grand Waitomo Caves Hotel. It’s attraction was that it had free wi-fi and was priced just high enough that I wouldn’t have to share the place with teenagers and hippies. It was only after I arrived and checked in that I also learned that the hotel is also supposedly super haunted. Take a look:

The hotel supposedly hasn’t been renovated since the last time the Queen visited. However, no one could tell me when that was, or which Queen. The front desk feigned ignorance, but the helpful townies assured me that numerous people have died under mysterious and violent circumstances at the hotel over the years. My caving guide told me that more than once people have showed up not having slept the night before because they were up all night due to encounters with Ghosts.

No word on what exactly the Ghosts are, but I had high hopes that it was one of the cool people whose portraits adorn the hallways:

Having arrived a day before my caving appointment, I had some time to explore the area. It is basically just an orgy of greenery and natural beauty.

After sadly, a peaceful nights sleep. I woke up early and got started on the caving.

For the morning, we did some intro to Abseiling (rappelling for all of you yankee people) and lowered ourselves into some caves.

For the afternoon, we cranked it up a notch.

They call it the Lost World. It lies 100 meters below the surface, where an underground river has painstakingly carved out a fantastic labyrinth of limestone over millions of years.

I’m not great on this whole metric system, but they tell me that it’s about 33 stories. If you fall from the top, it will take you 4.8 seconds to reach the bottom. 4.8 seconds to contemplate that 100 meters is really freaking tall.

That look, that’s my “heights and I do not get along” face.

31March @1.30pm LW Gareth 018

After flipping gravity the bird, we set out exploring the cave and learning about the glow worms. The pictures do not begin to do it justice. It’s like a separate night sky hidden beneath the earth.

The glow worms are not actually worms. They are, in actuality cannibalistic sex maggots who poop fire.

The worms are actually fly larvae, the dangle silky threads from the ceiling of a cave to catch flies and insects, but they’ll eat anything that touches the threads. That includes each other. About 40% of these little devils die as food for their brothers and sisters. Those that live to maturity become flies that have no mouth, no digestive tract, and die after a few days. In those few days of life they have as flies, they mate a lot, lay hundreds of eggs, and then the cycle repeats. In the meantime, they excrete phosphorescent waste to attract food to their threads of death.

Sure is pretty though!

RACE-NOTICE

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